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Let us die young or let us live forever
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Effy - Lost Girl
I just need someone that would listen and every time I get that feeling I come back to this place.
My family wants to move again. Obviously I would stay in Texas to finish up school, but I'm so sick of feeling displaced. I haven't had a home in three years. Every time I see bay windows or a white house with black shutters, I think of my home. Its awful that all my best memories are in a place I can never return to. I'm really disconnected. Between work, studying, my family and my friends I'm carrying everyone. My sleep problems are back, first sign that things are slipping. I just need time and space for everyone. I'm screaming underwater man. No one can hear me.
I'm burnt out.
Skins Drank Drink Drunk

After work I went to see my grandma that's in town. She is different and exactly the same. Isn't that weird? Grandparents. It seems the more you know them, the more you you become uncertain about. Its funny how I see myself more in her. Her eyes are mine but she has the same ears as my father. However, everyone still attests that I am my grandfather. She is still sharper than ever. She is 82 years old and she still knew her teachers names from 1st and 2nd grade. That effin incredible.

Then I met up with Courtney (obvs not my love Brooker). We went to the double feature of Repo! The Genetic Opera and the Rocky Horror Picture show. I was really excited because I've wanted to see Repo for a while. The girl loves RHPS. She is pretty low key and I am obnoxiously overzealous constantly so its really adorable for me to see her get excited about things. 

We were a couple of seconds late to Repo but I loved it once I got into it. It was really campy and I liked the songs.So to Repo I say:

I have been to RHPS quite a few times. Its always fun but it always kind of evokes feelings I can't explain. It reminds me of Perks of Being a Wallflower. And that reminds me of the person I was when I was young and how I was so lonely. How I dreamed of being in a crowd of people and not feeling alone. Now its finally happened and its almost bittersweet. I don't know how to feel about it. But I like going.

VM - Friends
The holidays always make me miss my home and friends. And although I left New York almost two years ago, my best friend hasn't left my heart. I made a mix last year to let her know that she was always on my mind and this is no different.

March can"t come soon enoughCollapse )



11 Dec - Voice Post
Felix, Orphan Black
765K 4:52
(no transcription available)
28 Nov - I'm a Star.
Skins- Falls in Love

Last weekend I saw Stars. It was another concert I went to by myself but I am getting more used to being alone.I really loved the venue because it was an old movie theater that was renovated. It had a marquee and everything. I also liked that it was standing room but it was gradually raised so if you stood in the second row you could see perfectly over the people in the first row. I think I am finally beginning to distinguish alone and lonely. I really think God wants me to be happy because every time I venture out to do these things on my own, its a success. I just wish I didn't always have to do things on my own. I wish I could choose alone time. But such is life. The opening act was a band named Geographer and they were pretty chill. I downloaded their EP. The people at the concert weren't as nice as the people at the National concert. No one really talked to me but no one paid to talk to me. I really enjoyed in the show the fact that Torquil started the show with "We are Stars and so are you." It is cheesy but it kinda touched me a little bit. They were very sincere and nice. They also would talk in the middle of the show how appreciative they were for us coming to show, that we were making their dreams come true. I have never heard such an appreciative band. It was so lovely.

Runaways- Kill Me
I am becoming more and more certain people’s sole purpose is to let you down. It reminds you that only you can pick yourself up.
Effy - Lost Girl
when everything is lonely I can be my own best friend

I've started doing things on my own now. About a month ago I decided to get a job. I haven't been able to get one because transportation was an issue, but I decided to hell with it and I would figure it out. Things have fallen into place with it and I really like my job. I like the feeling of earning my own money. My college friends and I are all kinda exploring our own roads. My new thing is doing things by myself. I am so sick of waiting to do things with other people and them just flaking. So I stopped waiting and started doing. Friday I went to a play by myself because I didn't think anyone would want to go with me. It was pretty good play but I can't help but feel like I would have enjoyed it more if I could have shared with others. Last year I was really desperate for any sort of connection with people and I made mistakes. I trusted people I shouldn't have. I was vulnerable and stupid. Now I'm going to be all I need for me. It gets lonely some nights but some nights its amazing.

Last weekend I went to see The National in concert. It was kind of a big deal because mass transit at night in a city you are unfamiliar with isn't the smartest idea. 

But I went. Old Viviana would have never gone to a concert by herself especially at night. But I did it. It was rewarding and refreshing and amazing. It felt so personal. It was a personal memory that I will hold for a very long time. All the songs just fit and hit me in a way I didn't expect. 

I left the concert. Hopped the train and was back in my bed.  I was content. 

I think last year was about finding myself. 
I think this year is about liking what I've found.

I just don't think you can do that sort of thing surrounded by people who hardly know you. 

I'm lonely. 
Terribly lonely.
But I'm not letting it consume me anymore. Its hard. I am stuck in a push and pull within myself.  

Ever Tried.
Ever Failed.
Try Again.
Fail Again.
Fail Better. 
11 Jul - And if I die
Watchmen - Comedian Smoking/Reading
  I keep thinking about when I die. Not in the morbid suicide knocking on my door way, I did when I was 15. Just in a legitimately thinking about death way. I keep thinking about how I want to be remembered. I went back to NY for 3 weeks and the way people look at me, talk to me and treat me there is the way I want to be remembered. So if I ever meet some untimely death (God willing this entry doesn't become morbidly ironic). 
I want to be remembered as the following
1. The girl who liked the greeting card more than the present. 
2. Who loved those silly 60s Beach movies like Gidget or anything with Frankie and Annette. 
3. Someone came alive when live music was played
4. Who helped people that she loved, even if they never cared
5. A girl with a good story or two

That's all I want. Going back to NY, where I'm a somebody, really has put things in perspective for me. It reminded me I am alive. I'm not invisible and there is still a pulse beating somewhere.

How do you want to be remembered?
How are you living your life now?
I wish I could speak at everyone's funeral because I know my words would be heartfelt. I know that even if you left just a small impact in my life, I would find a way to convey how much it meant. 
28 May - A favor
Classic Atwood
I think some people are put on this earth just to break your heart. 
Some days I consider it a certainty
I think I would take it all back if I could
every moment, every breath, every glance
I think I would erase every memory if I had a chance
I wish I could scrub my skin of you.
Every pore.
But I can't.
There is no reset button on life
There is no way to do undo all the things you've done
Part of me will never get over it.
Part of me will never know how I managed to live with it.
If all you heartbreakers get together
at one time and place
Please, a favor
Don't go breaking anymore hearts.
Its the least you could do.  
I have officially come to the realization that there are two type of girls.
1. Girls who have friends between relationships
2. Girls who have relationships between friends.

I think my problem with finding friends in Texas is that I am the first one. My friends have always been the constant in my life. I put my friends first.  I demand my friendships to be strong. I like to give attention in my friendships and like to receive it. However, most people look for this kinda connection in relationships. Everyone I have met in Texas only have friendship as a casual entity when their boyfriends aren't around. It really bothers me. All my friends in NY are like me. We are always about each other. We would drop anything for each other. I feel like people only hang out with me when their significant others aren't busy. Its really bothersome.

My parents have been really understanding. We have really grown as a family because they feel the same loneliness I feel. I am just sick of being used and abused by people here. I miss the semblance of camaraderie.

My birthday was better than expected, but one of my friends here completely blew me off. It really burned me.
I hope this is a growing experience and not one that will leave me jaded and even more bitter.
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